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When You Love a Man With Low Self-Esteem – 9 Things to Keep in Listen

When You Love a Man With Low Self-Esteem

And so you love a guy with low self-esteem. Sucks to be you. I'm saying that as a dude who used to hate himself. Who still kind of does. I know the crap you deal with. He must bulldoze you lot nuts.

I was in a relationship with an angel, let's phone call her Mary. Mary was such a pure, cute soul. We connected. Looking into her eyes filled me with comfort and calmed my fears. Mary loved me so much, and I loved her too. Only I hated myself even more. Long story curt – I ran abroad from her love. The love I felt unworthy of. I sought validation and distraction in women, alcohol and career moves. And in many other dark ways I won't mention.

Depression cocky-esteem is easy to explain nevertheless hard to sympathise for some. It'southfeeling shameful near who you are.Feeling guilty or embarrassed nigh who you are, deep in your core. You experience 'different'. Damaged or flawed in cardinal, irreversible ways. You don't dear yourself. Your man may never admit it outright – but he wishes he were someone else.

Alas, there's no return policy in life. We're stuck in this skin forever, and the hate, the self-pity – information technology gets u.s. nowhere. Merely here's the rub:

When a man is dealing with low self-esteem, he'll make mistakes. Big mistakes. My shame and low self-esteem led me to go reckless. I felt a constant, nearly unbearable background anxiety. I had to brand myself feel different. I had to escape. Luckily, at that place were several reliable methods: nonstop partying, irresponsible sex, starting businesses, spending lots of money, exotic traveling. My worst nightmare was being lone, in a tranquility room. I couldn't stand my own company. Mayhap your man feels the same way, I pray he doesn't. Just my feelings aren't unique.

The mistakes I made led tomore than shame and guilt.And and so more than mistakes made running away fromthose feelings. The cycle continues. This leads to what I like to call the ninth dimension of shame. The hole can get so deep. The screw of pain seems unstoppable.

Your human'southward low self-esteem tin manifest in a diversity of ways. Every guy volition act out in his own way. Some pull back and hibernate, some flee and seek experiences. Others party and rage, or effort to prove themselves at work.  It's troublesome for both the sufferer and the poor individual who loves them so much. Low self-esteem is tricky; the sufferer can distract himself or run away from it for years. He may not even realize that the darkness he feels is low self-esteem. And it'south f*cking heartbreaking.

If you love him, he volition demand y'all to become through it. You may be able to testify him the low-cal. Don't surrender on him, he needs you. Many times information technology will be confusing, and he may hurt y'all without wanting to. (Trust me, he doesn't desire to hurt you. He hurts enough merely being himself.)

Hither are some of import things to remember: a cheat sheet to get yous through tough times. And maybe to aid him see the truth of his ways.

  1.  He loves you then much, only hates himself even more than.

    He'due south lost. You two may take such an obvious, beautiful opportunity for love but he squanders it. He simply sees his own shortcomings. His pain and depression is like a night, heavy, thick blanket that he only can't shake. But like I said above, he may not fifty-fifty realize it. He's not trying to mess with your head. He'south not unreachable. However he is in a land of abiding feet, always wishing he could be someone HE loves. If you lot say 'I honey you', he probably thinks: 'Why would you? You lot can't. You're incorrect'.

    He yearns  to honey himself, and the struggle to do that can ruin your relationship. This should exist a good affair, right? Not all men act out this feeling in healthy ways. It volition be hard but think about their perspective. If they don't dear themselves peradventure you can do something to aid them. If y'all honey him, do what you can to aid his Center. Purchase him books on spirituality, enquire him how he feels about himself. Listen, and if required seek the assistance of a licensed therapist or psychologist.

    A volume I recommend is No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. It was a wake-up phone call, and helped launch my wild journey of transformation. Don't let the title fool y'all, it'south a volume about shame, self-worth and learning to have yourself. Information technology's a powerful starting signal, buy it now.

  2. He may seek attention outside the relationship, or activities without yous.

    This was a huge factor in my relationship ending. My low self-esteem led me to crave attention from other potential partners. I was addicted to approval and validation from other women.

    Maybe he likes attention from others, flirtation and come-hither looks. I promise you haven't caught him on dating sites or apps. That was another thing I would do – I craved the attention then much. Maybe he also yearns for people to tell him how cool he is, how corking he dresses, or what a sweet job he has. Point is, he's only crazy for attention.

    He seeks attention and approval from other people – just what nigh yous? Cocky-esteem is a real b*tch. He thinks that he has to either evidence to himself that he's worthy, or expect for testify of it anywhere he tin can. 'If other people tell me I'm great, then that must mean I'k neat.'

    It may exist common sense to y'all – that we should all love and respect ourselves as human beings. But to a sufferer of depression self-esteem, this isn't the case. Having low self-esteem is like being in a courtroom. And y'all're guilty until proven innocent. He'due south shameful at the core of his being. His soul appears blackened, damaged and irreparable. He craves escapes from reality.

    Try to talk with him well-nigh this. 'I think you act like this because you like how information technology makes y'all feel, correct? Why practice you need to feel this fashion?  Can't you just be yourself, how you feel at present?' 'Why aren't I plenty?' 'Do you lot need help learning to love yourself?'

    If your man can't handle this conversation, consider moving on. He'southward not prepare. It must be him who makes the changes necessary to heal. It is NEVER on your shoulders to do this for him.

  3. He believes he must take 'got lucky'. He feels unworthy of you.

    At first he cherished you. You were his prize. He held you shut, showed y'all off to the world. It was exhilarant and intense. Just before long, he knew he 'had you' and started looking around. The loftier that you and the new relationship gave him faded. The drug wore off, so he'due south seeking fresh supply. He needs more intense intoxicating experiences to experience okay near himself.

    I had an amazing partner in Mary, merely I didn't believe I was worthy. She could see the man I was, across the shit-storm that was my life. She saw through my shame and self-hatred but I couldn't buy information technology. I was also deep in my ain trance.

    I thought I'd got lucky, that I'd fooled her somehow. So I needed to prove that Icould exist worthyof someone amazing. Does that sound stupid or what? I wanted to be able to 'earn someone' who everyone else wanted, to prove to myself that I was a valuable man. Then I could love myself.

    Remember that this isn't about you lot – this is almost a hole he has in his heart. He needs to know that he didn't merely 'go lucky' when he landed yous. Don't let him feel that way! Delight, tell him yous honey him. Tell him everything y'all think is unique and enticing virtually him. Don't make it only nearly advent either. If he feels similar he fooled y'all, he volition not treat the human relationship with the respect. This is an important point.

  4. He may be restless, or e'er trying to testify something to the world or himself.

    Some telephone call it 'hustle' or ambition. Maybe he has grand ideas or entrepreneurial zeal upwards the wazoo. He wants to create something that volition change the globe. That's wonderful, but in his case it may be a cover-up: a distraction from voices in his head. The voices that say, 'y'all're not enough'. He's trying to create a life that will testify his worth.

    He doesn't want a life without you lot. His big dreams or grandiose desires go him out of his caput. They requite him hope that maybe 1 day, just maybe he will be able to similar the man he is. Later on he does all this awesome stuff.

    There is naught wrong with drive and initiative. But why is he so driven? Why does he want so much?  If we bothered to ask ourselves 'why' we desire the things nosotros do, we could salve ourselves much heartbreak. We'd stop running after so many shiny blood-red balls. We could live with more purpose. Your man should enquire himself why he wants to accomplish so much.

    To bring him downwards to earth, remind him how much life there is to alive right at present , in this moment. This moment, between the two of yous. Kiss his lips, hold his head in your hands. Tousle that hair and look deep into those eyes you lot love so much. Say, 'I honey yous for exactly who you are, right at present'. Tell him he is enough.

    The signal isn't to brand him an bumming, lazy ass. Information technology'southward to make certain he has his motivation and priorities in the right identify.

  5. He can be extremely jealous or insecure almost other men.

    My ex, Mary, had to think that I was perfect and wonderful at all times. She was my entire support system, and my source of confidence and security. She was my everything. (And withal I treated her awfully – aren't men the greatest?)

    If I felt threatened or not #i importance in her life, I would showtime to lose my sh*t. The depression self-esteem within your man creates an enormous pigsty. He filled it with y'all, and sprinkles in other things similar vices and attending from others. When y'all threaten to get out them empty again they get crazy or become irrational.

    He doesn't want you to suffer. Nor does he want to dominate you. He doesn't know why he feels this way, but it's because he hates who he is. In effect it's cocky-defense, your deportment injure him. It'due south painful enough just being who he is – when you threaten to brand him feel even worse well-nigh himself … he lashes out or gets uncomfortable.

    Goose egg nigh this is okay. I'm only telling it like it is.

  6. It can be near incommunicable to become him living 'in the moment'.

    Many guys with low cocky-esteem are living in the by. He may be guilt-ridden and woeful over opportunities he failed to seize. Maybe he regrets non doing better in school, or choosing a ameliorate college. He might feel like a failure and thwarting to his family. Who knows, the point is he rides himself downwardly all the time.

    Alternately, he's living in the hereafter. He dreams of a day when he tin can 'be happy'. You may feel sad because it seems all he cares about is making lots of money, accomplishments or fame. Or making his family proud. He may seem to get out you out of his utopian vision of the hereafter. Merely he probably simply feels he'll only worthy of you in one case he conquers the globe. He feels he'southward unworthy of happiness until he proves himself. These thoughts consume him and he'southward desperate for that sweet moment of relief when he's 'made it'.  Trouble: it'due south never coming.

    Yous beloved him exactly every bit he is, right? Tell him that right now.

  7. True delivery scares the sh*t out of him – only not for the reason you think.

    In my relationship, I was agape because I didn't know who the hell I was. The simply parts of myself I knew were sh*t. I didn't feel like a good person, so who would want to exist with me? I convinced myself that I was helping by not giving her union or children. By non giving her 100% true delivery I was doing her a favor.

    I didn't believe in myself. I had no religion in my ain goodness or potential. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the hard times that would come.  My feelings were 'everything I impact turns to sh*t, then why would I waste her fourth dimension? It'southward doomed from the outset, and I do not want to injure her'.

    No advice here, no matter what he'due south going to give you the 'deer in the headlights' wait. Knowing this may assistance yous empathise the complication of a man. He needs to learn to love himself through the hard times earlier he can love you through the hard times.

  8. He may savor seeing you in pain or suffering for the relationship.

    Ill, huh? Hate me if yous desire, I don't care. I come in truth. This is a tough one to talk about. Cocky-esteem tin can become so low that a man gets validation from seeing his partner suffer. Seeing a person become through hell for usa, experience pain caused by us – can actually give united states pride.

    It's a dose of the 'I'yard worthy' drug … 'Expect at how this person goes crazy for me, I must exist worthy'.

    Enough said, it'due south time to leave the relationship. Hurt never justifies injure.

  9. He adores you – but he needs to learn how to love himself.

    Your guy has to learn to dear himself. This includes all the deepest and darkest parts too, the parts that scare him to death. The unfaced and unfelt parts of our psyche are the source of all neurosis and suffering. Carl Jung said that, not me.

    If he only loves a certain part of himself like his looks, the rest of him will but go on undeveloped. In many means I was similar a child before. I avoided hurting or sacrifice every take chances I could, and I turned into a large man-kid. If this is happening to your man, you lot must cease it right away.

In the end, you can go over this together. The bail between you lot will be unbreakable, and he will love you forever. He'll never forget that you lot were the daughter who helped him notice the greatest dearest in the universe. His honey for himself. Stick in there, but develop a program right away. Not only is he suffering, yous are also. Have action at present. If he refuses to draw a line in the sand and change his life, it may be time to walk away.

Nearly the Author: Paul Graves

Paul Graves writes about pain, shame, and better living through self-acceptance at TakeTheLemons.com . He lives in Ohio with his vii-year old daughter and 2 cats.

Paul is on Twitter and Instagram.